I turned to be 40 years old this month, and I don't still have a permanent position. I am single though I had some boyfriends and I wanted to get married with them. Nobody really proposed me.
These days, nothing goes well. I had a back pain and couldn't dance for two weeks. I had a presentation in the Japanese conference. I presented a result with which I was not satisfied. I caught a cold the day I left for this conference. So I felt dizzy when I gave a presentation. My senior told me that I am not intelligent enough to work for a numerical simulation. He suggested me to work something else, but he didn't have any good idea. I lost my self-confidence to be a scientist.
My life... I have desired to be a volcanologist. I wanted to work like a Mr. Masao Mimatsu, Prof. Hiromu Okada, Prof. Tadahide Ui. They worked for mitigating the disaster of volcanic eruption. Their personalty were good and I respect them a lot. I studied volcanology and disaster mitigation, and obtained my PhD. I started to work as a volcanologist at the institute near the volcano and worked for outreach or consult with the officers of local government about the political measure of volcanic disaster mitigation. During these three years, I couldn't write so many research papers. I only published one paper with my name on the first author. It was not enough to impress other scientists. So it is very hard to get the next position right now.
I hated my destiny. I couldn't accept such my life with unlucky things. I worked hard. Why can't I get happy and stable life?
I bought a book "Omoidoori ni Ikanai kara Jinsei ha Omoshiroi" in Japanese. The title means "A life is interesting because it doesn't go as planned". It is written by a famous writer Ayako Sono in Japanese. Her life has been so hard. However, as she didn't have a happy and stable childhood, she got a strength not to get flustered even she faced to some adversities, she said.
A life is full of unexpected things. Nothing goes as planned. She experienced the World War 2. Nobody wanted such war and a hard life after the war. In that situation, she wanted to survive, only survive. That is why she can enjoy her life now. It is much better than death.
I should learn from her. When I thought about the suicide, I recovered from the depression because I noticed that it is miracle for me to be alive here and now. I wanted to try to be a volcanologist as it was my longing. If I die tomorrow, I wanted to say that I tried as much as possible. I would like to say "I definitely enjoyed my life!!" when I die.
Although I couldn't write many papers and couldn't make big progress in my research, I can say that I tried many things these years. So, what should I regret??
Probably, I will get a new life from next year as my contract of the current position ends in the end of next March. Even though it won't be a scientific job, I can probably enjoy it because it is my life. There will be many unexpected events because it will be my life again. It is enjoyable because I am alive! It is miracle!!
Thank god! I am still alive and am enjoying my life!!!
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| Standing in front of the Kiyomasa's statue in Kumamoto city, March 2017 |
